This is part 2 of a series of posts on the real spice of life: Love.
As I see it, Jesus teaches about three loves (see the end of the previous post):
- Love of God
- Love of man
- Love of self
All three are interconnected. Let’s talk about the last one first, because it’s the easiest and gives a reference point for the other two.
I’m not the first to point this out, but when Jesus says to “love thy neighbor as thyself,” there is an assumption that you do actually love yourself. I’ve had a big problem in my life with self-loathing; loving myself doesn’t come easily or naturally. My family, wife, friends, and even complete strangers often treat me better than I have treated myself. Some personal examples:
- I have repeatedly given into self-destructive habits concerning food. I haven’t been on a binge since before last Spring, but have plenty of times before that. I have always known that a binge isn’t good for me. I’ve acted like an addict when I’ve done it. That is not love. That is self-abuse. Thankfully, and with the love and help of my wife, I’m doing much better in this arena now.
- When someone gives me a compliment, my first instinct is to downplay or completely disregard it with either a spoken or internal ‘yes, but . . .’, and then proceed to list all the reasons I’m really a bad egg. If you struggle with this kind of self-flagellation as well, you have my deep and sincere empathy. I truly feel for you. Sometimes, this kind of thought process can drop me into a deep despair that absolutely paralyzes me. That is unless I head it off with some cognitive therapy techniques (which I am still learning and need to practice better). I’m trying to get through a book called “Feeling Good,” which was suggested by another artist who has struggled with depression as well.
- When it comes to activity, up until this year, I’ve been extremely lazy. I’ve looked for all kinds of shortcuts and tried all kinds of diets, but never wanted to make the sweat investment necessary for me to regain my health. Again, that is not loving myself. That is self-neglect. Fortunately, I’m making connections with movement and physical activity that I have never made in my life before and I am finding I enjoy much of it.
I use these three examples because I’m trying to do something about them, which makes me feel a little more comfortable in sharing them with you. I could cite many other examples from my life, but I’m not ready, nor may I ever be, to share all. In any case, I’ve listed three different types of self-loathing that many others suffer from as well: self-neglect, self-flagellation and self-abuse. I’m sure there are many more ways I could list that one can actively despise one’s own person, but that would be kind of beating a dead horse, wouldn’t it?
The point of all this is: learning to love yourself can be very hard. I envy you if you’ve never struggled with it. For some, love of self may come even harder than learning to love your enemies, but there is an important reason to work on it. If we neglect, abuse and deflate ourselves, it becomes much harder to make a positive impact in the world around us. When a person gives in to self-hatred, they take themselves out of active participation with life and others, or even worse, begin to abuse others the way they abuse themselves.
I think you can love others and God even if you have a hard time loving yourself, but your ability to do either will be handicapped by self-hatred. Sin is a form of self-loathing. People get bent out of shape about that word, but all ‘sin’ means, literally, is ‘error.’ So when we live in error and we know it, we’re exhibiting a kind of self-loathing that will cripple us.
So, how do we work on a healthy love of self? Three areas come to mind that I feel are equally important:
- Physical health. When you invest in your health, you are not only loving yourself, but making it possible for you to love others through longer life, increased vigor and a desire to interact more.
- Spiritual health. Finding peace is a big deal and trying to attain that gift is an act of love. I often find peace in reading the spiritual texts of my faith and actively participating and serving in my church/community. I’m also an active journal keeper. Writing this series on love is something I needed for my own spiritual health.
- Mental health. Keeping the mind active is as important as keeping the body healthy. Treating yourself to new knowledge, experiences and skills not only is a loving act, but make you more valuable to the world at large. Currently, I’m treating myself by learning to play the bass guitar . . . something that I’ve wanted to do for years and years.
What have you found helpful in culturing a healthy love of your self? Really, I’d be interested in knowing.
Be sure to tune in for Part III, where I’ll talk about love of God and neighbor.
All three parts of this series:
